A Mother’s Day Post

Isn't she just adorable?

Isn’t she just adorable?

Not everyone is blessed with an awesome mom, or a living one, and with you I grieve, but my mom kicks awesome to the curb and does a little dance around it, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the woman, nay, the exploding star, in whose orbit I have abundant light.

My mom is morning pancakes and bedtime prayers, permission to wade in the autumn leaves, hot cocoa after the snow. Sewer of Halloween mermaids and gluer of Valentine’s Day “mailboxes,” kisser of bloody knees and respecter of an open book (“How many more pages in that chapter? Ok, finish the chapter, then please set the table.”) My mom is a square dance diva who has never lacked for a partner and a card shark who has never missed an opportunity to let me lose a hand.

My mom is the one who turned to my dad the night they announced their divorce, turned to the father who was shushing me, and bit off the words “She’s allowed to cry. It’s. Sad.”

My mother is the one who kept four kids in extracurricular programs and musical instruments on one full-time job and late child-support payments.

It was my mother who mysteriously, and single-handedly, arranged Christmas shopping trips so that all four of us could buy each other presents while somehow keeping all the gifts a secret.

It’s my mother who will fearlessly and relentlessly, and effectively, play Bad Cop if you really need something done (like two days before my wedding, when she and B went to pick up the rental van we had reserved, and which the rental company had utterly failed to hold for us. Ask B about this sometime. It’s a good story. :) )

It was my mom who walked me down the aisle.

My mom and me.

My mom and me.

It was my mother who taught me how to pray.

My mom is games of backgammon, memory, and mastermind packed for every ballet and gymnastics lesson, Black Fridays spent cozy at home baking cookies, Saturday trips to Lake Erie. My mom is the whirlwind party-thrower who can cater a party of 700 with staff, and whip up Thanksgiving dinner, solo, in about 2 hours. My mom is the Tetris Master, able to pack whole lives into a single four-door compact sedan.

My mother knows things about strength that I might never learn. To my anchor, my root, my protector and cheerleader, I love you so much. Happy Mother’s Day!

Beautiful, beautiful.

Beautiful, beautiful.

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Loneliness, Facebook, and Other First World Problems

I stumbled on this article yesterday that discussed women in Afghanistan who are literally risking their lives to write poetry. It’s a really incredible movement – poetry as political rebellion. (If you click through to the original New York Times article, that’s also worth a read).

Anyway, in the course of the article, the author said something that caught my attention:

“Voice. This is what poetry offers that makes it worth dying—and living—for. Perhaps only those without a voice can truly understand this power. How could we whose voices are amplified to deafening decibels—by the Facebooks, the Twitters, the blogs, the Internets, the cell phones, the texts, the reality shows, the Good Reads, the “like” buttons, the “dislike” buttons, the comments—understand the death-defying power poetry has to offer a life-giving voice?”

I think she makes a good point – we are glutted with information and words, words, words. Words are cheap in the West. But I wonder how many of those shouting on Facebook and Twitter and the interwebs actually feel heard. I don’t mean in any way to diminish the plight of Afghan women, whose lives have been shattered by war, and who live in conditions of poverty unimaginable in the US, but I wonder if we have this one thing in common: none of us feel heard, they because they are not permitted to speak, and we because we are drowned out by the din of modern life.

I know when I lived in the FunHouse, surrounded by friends and community, I had little use for facebook and other forms of social media. It wasn’t until a couple of my housemates started pouring themselves into coursework (and thus had less time for socializing) that I finally joined facebook. And it wasn’t until we were unceremoniously booted out of the house that I started blogging. I specifically remember that I started blogging because I felt lonely. I wasn’t being heard anymore.

Part of it was geographical – I was physically farther away from all my friends than I had been in ten years. And this is common in our world, isn’t it? Long gone are the days when mostly everyone you knew died within a few counties of where they were born. Friends shift in and out of our life, chasing after love or adventure or the shifting economy. I wonder if Facebook feels like an anchor for those friendships; a way of keeping them close even though we can’t hang onto them in the flesh.

Part of it was scheduling – I was working like crazy, or comatose in the summer vacation crash, and traveling even half an hour to visit friends down the road (my closest friends, geographically) was just too much to wrangle more than once a week, if that. This is common too – more and more people have to take extra jobs, extra shifts, longer hours just to make ends’ meet. Facebook and Twitter are a way to at least digitally wave hello to the people I don’t have time to actually see and cultivate in person.

I know Facebook, Twitter, and other social media get a lot of flack for making our communications more superficial, but I wonder if this is a chicken and egg thing? Maybe Facebook and Twitter aren’t what’s creating the superficiality. Maybe it’s that our whole social system has come to revolve around forces that don’t encourage the personal time or geographical stability necessary for intimacy, and Facebook and Twitter are just the bandaids we use to feel like we still have friends in our sights during those times when we can’t keep them literally in our sights.

Anyway. Just thinking out loud.

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Wishes

I am fortunate to have a majority of level-headed, reasonable friends. I saw nothing but sadness, sympathy and encouragement for the victims of the Boston marathon bombing on my facebook feed. Many of my friends, including B, were not so lucky. I gleaned from watching conversations on other people’s walls that there was a volcanic outpouring of vitriol, fear, fear-mongering, speculating, finger-pointing and other displays of people losing their shit. It’s understandable, really. Everybody has their ways of processing, and some are closer to the tragedy than others.

As I’ve slowed down over  the past few weeks, one of the interesting things that has happened is that I’ve become  aware of a pervasive sadness. I cry nearly every day, and if I don’t, I suffer some kind of psychosomatic weirdness – migraines, panic attacks, digestion issues, random pains.

Honestly, it doesn’t feel like depression to me. I’ve suffered serious depression, and there’s a heaviness and futility to that kind of sadness that isn’t present in the kind of sadness I’m feeling now. This sadness feels like grief. I haven’t figured out what I’m grieving yet, but the body doesn’t lie.

There are plenty of options to choose from. In the past two years, I had the house community that had shaped me for a third of my life taken from me in a sudden and uncompassionate manner, suffered an extreme romantic disappointment, spent 9 months wondering if I should call off my relationship with B, watched two good friends suffer persecution from the church I thought I loved, burned out badly on teaching, lost hope of staying in the neighborhood that had become my home and refuge in the city that I hate, moved three times, traveled to Taiwan to win over the future in-laws, got engaged, planned a full-weekend wedding, and helped plant a church. Through all of this, until the sabbatical, I was working two jobs. So I didn’t really have the luxury of so much time to process all of it. And that’s kind of a lot of life in 2 years.  And that’s not even all of it, that’s just all the stuff that’s easily list-able here. There’s a lot of stuff I might need to grieve now that I finally have time to do it. So while I was surprised to discover the sadness beneath my sabbatical fun, I wasn’t really surprised.

Part of me wishes that I didn’t have to grieve it all. It would be so nice if there were a spell I could chant, or a magic token I could buy, or a wish-granter who could just take it all away. The grieving process is ugly and messy and sometimes excruciating. But the alternative is worse, and I know this from experience. I survived three kinds of abuse in my childhood, and I didn’t grieve it for a long, long time – just harbored a deep and abiding bitterness/hatred, which I aimed at myself and those around me. Unmourned grief doesn’t go away, it just settles into my bones and turns sour.

The worst part is that it’s easy to forget that it’s there. I forget that I have grief, but I see that I am not happy, and so grief paints other people as enemies, the thieves of my happiness. I point fingers and blame and scapegoat. Grief pouts like a child and insists that I must have things a certain way, and people must be a certain way around me, or else it (the grief) will make awkward, snarky, rude, mean, violent, or otherwise inappropriate appearances. Grief wants to punish people – the people who hurt me, and anyone who reminds me of the hurt I endured. It makes me kind of miserable to be around.

And so I am committed to grieving. It’s miserable. It involves finding a quiet, safe space (the shower often works), where I can surrender to the painful feeling of utter helplessness and anger and vulnerability, and cry and sniffle and get gross about it, and scream and beat my chest if I want to, and do whatever other weird, childish things seem necessary in order to let the grief feel honored enough to leave. I do this as often and as long as it takes. And I know, from experience, that if I keep it up long enough, eventually, when I’m ready, and it might take years, I will just run to the end of the grief, and it will be gone, and I’ll be left with gratitude and forgiveness.

It’s true that not all wounds heal completely; some shape us irrevocably. But even if the grief shapes me, it won’t own me once I’m done with it. It will lose its sharpness; it will lose its ability to harm me and those around me. By grieving, I acknowledge that though my suffering is not unique, it is important, because I am a person, granted dignity. By grieving, I am able to release my need to punish and embrace the choice of peace. By grieving, I grow strong enough emotionally to seek justice rather than vengeance. By grieving, I turn my pain from a sword into a plough.

This is my wish for me, for as long as it takes. And this is my wish for all those suffering from the Boston marathon bombing and other recent atrocities, and everyone suffering from the “full catastrophe of life” – that we would scream and cry and rend our clothes and beat our chests and wear sackcloth and ashes and pound the floor and cling to one another in the darkness for as long as it takes.

And then, maybe, we can choose peace.

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Sabbatical Update

Ahh, my poor neglected blog, I miss you sometimes. I miss wrestling my thoughts into words and responding to comments and feeling like I have a place to dump all my miscellaneous musings.

I HAVE been wrestling thoughts into words, but I’ve been focusing almost entirely on fiction for the past few months, and so I haven’t made time for you. The novel is coming along – I’ve got the first book mostly mapped out, and I finally (FINALLY) figured out how it ends in a way that is reasonable, necessary, and still surprising within the context of the world. And I’ve been spending an incredible amount of time on short stories. In the few months since I’ve posted, I’ve finished seven short stories, and started nine more, five of which I am hoping to actually finish. And because fiction is an entirely new creative venture for me, despite my intimidatingly prolific history as a reader, my new babies are surely awkward little things, under-foreshadowed, or over-explained, or what have you, but they’re so beautiful to me, I love mooning over them in the mornings and lingering over them at night.

And I’m still writing a play. I lose confidence over this one more than any of the other projects, probably BECAUSE it’s going to be produced, and I’m just sure that it will be a gross display of ineptitude, cliche, unrelenting darkness, or some other absurd deformity. So I put it away and tell myself that I’ll get to it “when inspiration hits,” and then rigorously avoid the things that would prompt inspiration. And this creates a familiar shame cycle for me, yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, I’ve got a month and a half left before we try to workshop it, and more than half of it written, so I’m not in terrible shape. I’m just scared of this one.

On the other hand, it turns out I LOVE filming. I got to be on my very very first film set this past week, and many things went wrong, and we were there until 2am, and it was the most fun I’ve had artistically in months. Hoping to do more of that.

And I got certified in Dancing Mindfulness, and it was magical, magical, magical. I was going to devote a whole blog post back in February to how magical it was, but I hesitated, and then life happened, and I never got back to it, but one of these days…..

And, just in the last two weeks, I’ve slowed down. It took six months of sabbatical before my engine started to idle, but I suddenly realized I was tired. Deep tired. Bone tired. Which I guess is why I needed to take a sabbatical anyway, but I was so excited about being married and having a sabbatical and having space in my life to finally do all those projects I’ve been dreaming of for years and years, I honestly didn’t let myself feel it. Part of that was healthy, I think – it was like I’d been holding my breath for ten years, and I finally got to exhale, and so naturally, that’s what I did. That’s what one and a half novels and 16 short stories and a play and a film and Dancing Mindfulness are – one giant exhale.

But then I got to the end of the exhale, and thought, “Hm. I’m tired. Maybe in addition to breathing, I could rest, also. Cuz, you know, I’m on freakin’ sabbatical – if ever there was a time when I could lay on the couch and watch “How I Met Your Mother” seasons all day if I wanted to, this is it.”

So that’s what I’ve been doing. I just finished Season 4, Episode 2 last night. :) I feel like the sabbatical is in transition right now. Some interesting things have been coming up in the relative quiet of the past couple of weeks, which I hope to get around to documenting here, but, you know, I’m on sabbatical….. so if I feel like not posting……I won’t.  :D

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Review – The Enoch Factor

I had the great pleasure of reading Steve McSwain’s new book The Enoch Factor over the past month. It took me the entire month to read it because it is the kind of book I like to digest slowly. In The Enoch Factor, McSwain, a lifetime Christian and professional minister, chronicles his personal spiritual awakening out of fundamentalism and into the arms of Christ. He tells a story of growing up in a believing family that will sound familiar to many American Christians, in its spirit if not in its exact details. He also describes the flatness and emptyness he experienced in his “faith,” and offers some candid appraisals of some of the false beliefs he carried with him for decades. McSwain then details the transformational experience that brought him a spiritual awakening. He spends some time explaining his new spiritual perspective, inviting readers to glean what they can from his personal experience and understanding.

At his best, McSwain reminds me of Richard Rohr – clear, insightful, and creative in his use of material from non-Christian traditions. Though McSwain anchors himself solidly in the Christian tradition, he draws from a variety of sources, Christian, non-Christian, and non-theological, to give voice to his experience of the divine. I was with him when he stuck to theological ideas from Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Taoism, and even atheism (he quotes Andre Comte-Sponville a lot). To a lesser extent, I was also with him when he was discussing the concept of ego, although the language he was using there was less familiar to me. He lost me when he started talking about the Law of Attraction, but like all conversions, McSwain’s was highly personal, and we all have some eccentricities in the way we try to explain those experiences. The genuine-ness of McSwain’s encounter shines through the book, and I recognized a lot of my own journey in his. He asked a lot of the questions I’ve asked, and he reminded me how easy it is to be with God, something I was having trouble remembering in my current process of wrestling with church. Even with the moments of (for me) theological weirdness, we could use more spiritual memoirs like this one.

Also, I got a free book in exchange for writing this review, which was not required to be a positive review. Here’s the legal way of saying it:

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the author and/or publisher through the Speakeasy blogging book review network. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR,Part 255.

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Learning to Encounter Art

I took an impromptu trip to the New Museum for Contemporary Art this evening because I was looking for something free to do on a Thursday night. My first venture into this futuristic building on Bowery was in 2007. I was supposed to meet a tutoring student down on Bowery, but nobody was home when I arrived.  Company policy said I had to wait 45 minutes to make sure the family wasn’t just running late, and in the course of that 45 minutes, I saw an awful lot of people file into the really futuristic building that was almost next door. When my time was up, I had a free evening, so I moseyed on over to see what the big deal was. It was the grand opening of the New Museum (their new location, anyway), and they were having extended free hours. And I thought, why not?

It’s a good thing I didn’t know going into that inaugural exhibit what it was about, or I never would have gone. I was taught, like many, unfortunately, that abstract art, installations, and other forms of non-traditional, non-literal art are nothing more than trashy attempts by artists to get attention by slapping trash on a canvas and pretending it means something. “Real” art, according to sources who shall remain nameless, consisted only of the classics – Leonardo, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Rodin, anybody who painted or sculpted recognizable things.

This might qualify as "real art," although it's highly suspect that she's blue.

This might qualify as “real art,” although it’s highly suspect that she’s blue. Indivisible Woman. Acrylic on corkboard and wood, 2009ish, by Fairy Bear.

This, definitely not.

This, definitely not. Untitled. Oil pastel on cardboard, 2008ish, by Fairy Bear.

The inaugural exhibit at the New Museum definitely would not have qualified as “real art” by my old standards. I’m not even sure why I gave it a chance – surely the word “Contemporary” in the museum’s name was a clue to what I was getting into. Maybe I was feeling rebellious that day. Or just really curious. I don’t know. I just remember walking in and almost laughing when I realized that the whole exhibition – all 5 floors of the museum – was dedicated to sculptures that appeared to be made, literally, of trash.

And I LOVED them. I looked at everything. I wanted to touch most of it. (I didn’t). Because of copyright issues, I can’t post photos for you right on the website, but the exhibit is digitally archived here. I spent the most time on two particular pieces. One was called “Elephant,” and it’s in the digital archive. The other one was a naked wax woman. She was as tall as me, and made to look pretty cartoony. Not comic book cartoony, but maybe mannequin cartoony. And when you walked around behind her, it turns out she was a giant candle melting into the floor. Her whole back was corroded, and her insides were just melting away. The wick of the candle was positioned in such a way that the back was melting much faster than the front, so from the front she still looked like a naked, cartoony woman, but from the back, she looked like a bombed crayon. As a young woman recently in touch with the violence done to me in the past and its consequences (feeling dead and mangled on the inside, needing to present something fake and normal-looking on the outside), I felt a deep kinship with the wax woman. I was deeply moved by several of the other pieces as well, although it is harder to articulate the reasons because they were more abstract, but they each touched me in some important way.

I stayed in that exhibit until the museum closed, and I walked out liberated. I felt like a whole new world had opened up to me. I had discovered something that the art critics in my past had never known, even though they’d been staring at it for decades (or perhaps they weren’t staring nearly hard enough, as I’ll get to in another paragraph or two). Most important, though, I felt that deep, unseen parts of me had been seen and understood by these strangers, maybe even more deeply seen and understood than I understood myself. I had been challenged as well; I left thinking new thoughts. I felt that I had shared some deep communion with friends. I didn’t need to see their faces because I had encountered pieces of their souls, articulated into visible space through the medium of ….. trash. Anything was possible after this.

I tell this story because I have a lot of artist friends (in many disciplines), and we can get very chummy in our arty world. It’s easy and exciting for us to engage with art and talk about it and let it impact us, because that’s how we’re built. Like some people show a very early proficiency with mathematics, my mother likes to tell the tale of that time when I was 4 years old, and she took me to a modern dance concert, and I nonstop the entire (long) car-ride home, re-counting in intricate, chronological detail the various movements, stories, and relationships between the dancers, and what it all meant. She says I noticed more about the show than she did. To this day, given a choice, I’d rather be in a theater than almost anywhere else; it’s my natural habitat.

But it’s not a natural habitat for everyone, the way that mathematics and art museums have not always been a natural habitat for me. I had to be taught multiplication because I never would have gotten there on my own, and many people need to be educated about how to encounter art. If you spend your whole life not knowing how to interact with art, you’re missing out. Different types of art require different types of viewing; I’m a natural with anything remotely narrative, but I had to learn how to be in an art museum just like the majority of humanity. The best advice I ever got on how to be in an art museum came from my wonderful Art in Education professor, and I’m going to pass on to you here.

First, banish the idea that you are supposed to see everything in the museum, cruising through rooms like a tourist, spending a few moments on each piece, passing judgment or not, and then passing by. A quality encounter with a piece of art takes some time, so decide before you go in that you are NOT going to see everything in the museum; instead, you are going to have a lengthier encounter with a few pieces. Maybe just one. I usually figure I’ve had a good museum trip if I found 1-3 things that I really wanted to spend time with. One quality encounter is a win, more than three and I usually start feeling art-fatigued. If, after 3, you still feel hungry, or if you paid good money to get in and feel cheated if you only encounter 3 pieces, by all means stay longer, but I would schedule in breaks to help refresh your brain so that you don’t lose quality with the quantity. If one of the pictures on this page speaks to you, try this exercise with it. If it doesn’t, you’re just going to have to get yourself to an art museum.

img028

Untitled. Watercolor on paper, 2007ish, by Fairy Bear.

Cosmic Snake

Untitled. Acrylic on particle board, 2011ish, by Fairy Bear.

img001 (23)

Acrylic on paper, 2008ish, by Fairy Bear.

img001 (24)

Moon. Acrylic on paper. 2007ish, by Fairy Bear.

Second, you don’t have to spend time with the first item you see. Or anything on the first floor. If something draws you immediately, great, but feel free to wander, tourist-like, for a while until you find The One. Choose a piece that appeals to you, or intrigues you in some way. There is absolutely no right or wrong. There doesn’t have to be anything profound about it, either, maybe you just think the texture or color or subject is interesting. Whatever it is, it’s something that invites a closer look.

Now that you’ve chosen, find a good place to plant yourself and observe. If the museum is not crowded, this is easy, but if it’s mobbed, be patient and hold out for a quality spot. (Some sculptural pieces may invite you to observe them from several different perspectives, which is totally okay).

When you’re in position, start observing the piece. I mean just look at it. Without checking your phone for text messages or facebook updates. Look at it for a full three minutes. You might even want to time yourself in the beginning until you know what three minutes feels like, because it can feel like a year to all of us who are acclimated to instant gratification. While you’re looking at it, you’ll start noticing things that you didn’t notice when you first looked at it. You’ll notice different things in the third minute than in the first. Notice what you’re noticing, and notice the questions that start to surface. “Is that wood?” “I wonder if the woman posing for this felt vulnerable?” “Is that meant to look like a face, or is it a trick of the shadows?” “I wonder why the artist used blue in the skin tone?” “Is that discoloration original, or a sign of the age of the painting?” “Is that a lump of paint or is something hidden in there?” “I wonder why this painting makes me feel sad?”  Etc. Again, there is no right or wrong for questions. This is your sacred moment, they are your questions, and this is a judgment-free moment for your soul. If you have a journal, write down everything that you’re noticing and the questions that are surfacing. If journaling’s not your thing, just be present and aware.

When you’ve looked at the piece for three minutes, look at it for another two. Maybe take a 30-second break to read the little card beside it if you haven’t read it already (although, personally, I find that half the time the cards are just confusing rather than illuminating). See if you’re noticing anything new, or if any new thoughts or questions are arising that are related to the painting. Have some of your earlier questions been answered by your persistent looking? What new questions have come up since then?

You look for as long as you need to look to be finished. I would give it at least five minutes until you have some practice and can tell more instinctively when you’re “finished.” “Finished” doesn’t mean that all your questions are answered. “Finished” also does not mean that you will necessarily understand the piece, or understand why you were attracted to it. Although you might. For me, I know that I’m finished with a piece when I feel full. I don’t know how to explain that; I just know that I can’t receive any more from this communion, that I’m full. As you practice, you’ll get to recognize when you’re finished, versus when you’re not done with an image yet, when it still has something to tell you or pry out of you. Not every piece will be a life-changer; some will just be an interesting pause in your day. In fact, you might have to practice for a while, on a lot of different kinds of artwork, before you actually find a life-changer. That’s okay too, there’s no rush, just enjoyment of the process. When you are finished with your piece, you may decide to seek out another to repeat the process, or you may feel that you are done for the day because you need to chew on that one for a while. You might even feel that you need to come back to a piece later because you don’t have time to finish today. I know a guy who has had a print of Rembrandt’s Prodigal Son hanging above his desk for years because it is still speaking to him. It’s your choice, your encounter, your judgment-free zone for your soul.

I went through this process today with several pieces that were all made of found objects wrapped in yarn. Here are some of my noticings/questions: “Wow, that’s a really interesting shape. I wonder why it’s that shape.” “It looks so soft, I want to touch it.” (I didn’t). “I can’t see anything past the yarn, there are so many layers.” “I’m really attracted to the messy parts of the yarn wrapping, the parts where the strings are knotty or tangled, or dangling crazily.” “Seriously, what is inside there? That’s the weirdest shape.” “I wonder if it’s something fragile or something really strong.” “It seems so well-protected, like somebody wanted to hug this thing with yarn.” “It’s like somebody’s secret that they wanted to wrap up and protect in this soft, colorful cocoon.”

Etc.

Somebody else might look at the same piece and think, “Yarn ball, really?” Because different pieces will speak to different people. If you are a Classics/Masters kind of person, go for it. If you like abstract or sculpture or ceramic or tapestry or whatever, go for it. Just learn to take your time and SEE what you’re looking at. It will change your whole museum experience, I promise.

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A New Year Indeed

So, I haven’t widely advertised this (well, until now), but I’m “on sabbatical” this year. I’ve been wanting one since around the first day I started teaching ten years ago, and after watching me go completely bonkers over wedding planning, B agreed it would be healthy for me to take a break. So for the first time since I was like 4 years old, I have this unbelievably big, beautiful, open meadow of time to roll around in and explore. My only rule for myself is that I’m being ruthless about only doing things that bring me life. And of course there are SO many things that I’ve wanted to do that I’ve been putting off for a rainy day, it seems I am just as busy on sabbatical as I am otherwise, but I’m ENJOYING myself so much more.

It’s an interesting journey, sifting through priorities and figuring out which things really give me life, and which ones feel draining. One of the big surprises for me is that I haven’t wanted to go to church much for the past two months or so. I never realized before how draining church can be for me. Not even because of the issues I have with organized religion in general (and I have plenty of those, more later), but just on the most basic personality level – I’m really high on the introvert scale, and an event as large and boisterous as an evangelical Sunday gathering can be really overwhelming for me.

One of the big changes for me in 2012, besides getting married, was that B and I changed churches. We’re still very connected to our old church, it was an amicable parting, but we (me, especially) had some very specific reasons for wanting to change. One of those reasons for me was that the new church is much smaller. “Smaller” sounded very appealing to me because I was beginning to be conscious of my need to pull back, but now that I’ve had time to deeply reflect, I think when I told myself I wanted “smaller,” what I meant was something like my writer’s group – about 4-12 people. Which is not to say that I think big Sunday worship gatherings don’t have a place – I relied on them desperately for a few years when I was particularly lonely and feeling the squeeze of some really tough life moments. Sunday gatherings were crucial then for getting me through in one piece. And I think God likes Sunday gatherings as much as anything else. And I do want to keep and cultivate the many friendships I’ve made in the community.

Recently, though, I’m finding that if I go to church on Sunday, I have a lot less energy available for things that are more important to maintaining those friendships. Like visiting friends in the hospital. Hosting art groups. Supporting friends’ gigs. Maintaining friendships with quality time. Being with family. Cultivating my marriage. Every time I go to church, I have to sacrifice 2-3 other, smaller moments of communion in order to maintain my sanity/equilibrium. And I just don’t feel like what I get and/or give at a Sunday gathering warrants that kind of trade-off every single week. In most weeks, I only have energy for 2-3 social-type gatherings to begin with. So going TO church is sometimes an obstacle to BEING the church. At least for me. At least in this season.

So when I’m not teaching and not going to church, here are some of my other sabbatical activities:

1. Relishing marriage.

2. Wrote a novel in November.

3.Writing another novel. This one, much better.

4. Organizing our apartment.

5. Learning to cook.

6. Acting in two short films.

7. Reading. A lot.

8. Writing a short play for Spark and Echo.

9. Dancing.

10. Singing.

11. Starting to submit writing for publication.

12. Going to my writer’s group.

13. Helping to organize the talent show portion of the family reunion this year.

14. Listening for God.

15. Getting trained in Dancing Mindfulness.

16. Hosting Days of Art at my apartment (first one this Saturday!)

17. Growing basil.

18. Yoga!

19. Performing poetry.

20. Relishing marriage. :D

Happy New Year everybody! 2013 is going to be a game changer, I can feel it!

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