In Which I Express My Feelings Anthropomorphically in Watercolor.

watercolor and oil pastel on paper

I have great difficulty experiencing anger. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the deep conviction that I am not allowed to be angry. I believe this so completely that not only will I not show anger to other people, but I won’t even admit it to myself.
Until, of course, the migraines start. Panic attacks. Nightmares. Anxiety. The anger becomes an ingrown emotion, trapped and infected and sore. It starts to claw it’s way to consciousness (frequently appearing first in images that I paint or record in poetry). I’ve been Really Really Angry for about 9 months now, and I’m just now retching it up to the surface. So this is a picture of how I feel today (and yesterday, when I painted it). Also, a poem that I wrote years ago on the same subject:

Okay, nevermind, I can’t find that poem (I can’t find anything since I moved), but here’s another poem which at least has “ingrown soul” in it, so it sort of relates to the picture:

Variation on a Theme by Natalie Taylor

By Me (if you wish to copy, please credit the website).

I have wanted

answers, finite and measurable, boxes in which to store

the old questions, so I can check them off and

sit in a room with them, numbering the sum

of knowledge.

I have seen

the red face of an ingrown soul, trapped and festering and swollen and vicious.

I have known

fear as my closest companion on the road,

always ready with a word or two,

in a voice like mothballs and stale beer.

I have come

anyway. One foot in front of the other,

pulled open as light through a prism,

scattering.

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3 Comments

Filed under personal, poetry, Uncategorized, visual art

3 responses to “In Which I Express My Feelings Anthropomorphically in Watercolor.

  1. 1). Your photo is beautiful. It actually inspires me to try something similarly artistic.

    2). Bravo on being so open on a blog.

    3). Regarding your poem, I think carrying fear, anger, and a need for certainty with you is very natural and, while unpleasant, not worthy of self-loathing in itself.

    To varying degrees, I think everyone has these problems. The trick is just learning to carry them with you as you go step by step to your preferred destination (assuming you have one).

    • Thanks bro πŸ™‚ I don’t think of that poem as being ultimately self-loathing. I think it just illuminates some of my core struggles. And I do, of course, struggle with self-loathing too. Perhaps you are tying this in with my facebook status from the other day? Not really self-loathing today, just good and angry πŸ˜‰ Much better!